My Wonderful, Fabulous, You’re Going To Be So Jealous Day Thus Far (it’s 9:15 a.m.):
Wake up at 3:30 am from the distinct sound of a very large puppy trying to fit himself underneath the bed. Something he knows he cannot do since he’s too big.
Realize at 3:35 am said puppy is now completely under the bed somehow, and sit up to wonder why he’s hiding when I’m hit with the distinct odor of doggy poop.
Get up to discover enough doggy poop at the end of the hallway for four large dogs or a small elephant. Wonder if there’s a feral herd of dogs hiding in the attic. There’s no way that amount of poop came out of one dog.
Look under the bed. See the dog. His expression is torn between, “I didn’t do it!” And “Look how much poop I made! Good, huh?”
Clean up Poop. Instantly go order hazmat suits from Amazon for future accidents. Get puppy out from under the bed. Go back to sleep.
Wake up at 4:00 am to the distinct smell of… Something sour. Look around, no dog. No poop. Find dog under the bed. Step in doggy vomit. Discover more doggy vomit in dog’s bed. Give dog medicine for said poopy/vomit. Think all is going to be fine now. (So Young. So Naive.)
Clean up vomit, take apart bed to wash the outer layer, discover the inner center pillow is nasty, throw it in the wash, and set the large outer pillow up on my bed to keep it safe from the dog.
Leave the room for five minutes, come back to discover entire doggy bed destroyed. Puppy looks torn between, “I didn’t do it!” And, “Look what a big pile I made. Good, huh?”
Wonder who I pissed off in the last lifetime that they are now my dog.
Give up on sleep. Take the time to clean up other parts of the house. Move from room to room …only to discover more poop. In ingenious places, so that I have to move big pieces of furniture to mop behind.
Think everything is clean. Mopped. Go back into kitchen/living room, smell something distinctly… Poopy. Discover dog has now pooped on the rug. The only rug in the entire building.
Dig out the Bissell carpet cleaner, start cleaning. Realized I put the cleaning fluid in the wrong slot and just sucked up poop into the “clean” side. Clean the Bissell carpet cleaner, start over.Have no more cleaning solution. Go to Walgreen’s, get cleaning solution. Realize I never even brushed my hair. Walgreen’s lady pats me on the hand and says, “Honey, I hope your day gets better.” I ask her if she wants a dog. I think the dog poop smell on my shirt dissuades her.
Come back, discover dog asleep near enough to the poop to have gotten some on him. Clean dog, clean poop, look at the clock: 9:15 am.
Realize assistant is coming over at 10 am. Am going to try to shower, but am not making any promises to be coherent.
Argh.
(If he continues, I’m walking him over to the vet this afternoon.)
