You know, I’ve gotten to the point where I’m used to electronics being smarter than I am. It was hard to accept at first that the kids (including my grandkids) could work there TV/cable remote far better than I could, and forget me figuring out how to hook up something crazy, like, you know, a DVR back in the olden days, before there was streaming (which I have not quite yet figured out how to make it work on my wifi-ready TV)(need a g-kid over here, stat)… But you know, I kinda got used to it. It’s bad when appliances have so many bells and whistles and computer gizmos that it’s talking to you when you’re trying to do stuff, saying things like, “Look, Stupid, push the BIG triangle button, the one that looks like a “play” button on a DVD player.” “But…but… you’re a washing machine. “Play” doesn’t seem like the right word.” “Do you want your clothes washed or not?”

At any rate, after arguing with the appliances for most of the weekend, I’m getting kinda used to not having a clue, but I really really really draw the freaking line when the new make-up mirror is smarter than I am. I bought this small make-up mirror and thought it was one of those touch-activated things, where I could touch anywhere on the stand and it turned on. It worked like that the first couple of times, but then it would just go off, randomly. I made sure it was charged (it charges with a USB). I looked all over that goober trying to find some sort of switch and it would come on when I held it, and then go off again. Randomly. Sometimes when I set it down, sometimes while holding it. Then I noticed this little red sort of reflector mirror… you know, the kind of glass you see or taillights. I thought maybe it was the button, and if I touched it, it came on, but as soon as I moved my hand off the button, it went off. I was going to return that sucker, certain it was broken, when I leaned in to look at something else on the counter and the light went on. I hadn’t touched it. I leaned back, it went off. Forward… on. Back… off. Forward to the side… off. (Why no, I did not read the instructions. Does anyone actually read the instructions?)

My mirror apparently has a freaking infra red proximity alert that tells it when I’m leaning in to use it and that turns it on. Lean back, it goes off.

Look, Universe, I’m okay with the computers being smarter, and I’m not thrilled, but I can live with the appliances being smarter, but when you start making the mirrors smarter, that’s just getting a bit ridiculous, you know? Pretty soon, gadgets and gizmos and now even simple things like mirrors are going to take over the world, and they don’t need AI to do it… they’ll just need some kindergartners.

If you need me, I’ll just be over here on the porch, in my rocking chair, gumming my food and shaking my old lady fist at the world.